I’m someone who loves to be busy. Because busy = productive right?
(Trick question of course, otherwise why am I here?)
Efficient = productive. Busy = busy.
Why am I always busy? Being busy makes me feel like I’m spending my time in a worthwhile manner. I rarely get a night to chill and stay in and catch up on my most recent youtubers or fave Netflix series… yes thankyou Netflix I am still here after 6 hours of back to back episodes of The Fresh Prince that I have indeed already watched.
–I digress. My point is, I portray that I have a very busy life. And don’t get me wrong I really really do. I’m sure you’re aware from my last blog – if you haven’t already read it just click the link …… You have the same hours in the day as Beyoncé . I’m on hospital placement full-time in my 4th year of uni studying Nutrition and Dietetics, I work part time, I’m studying my level 2 and 3 Personal Training and I train at the gym as much as possible, alssooooooo whilst trying to grow my social presence ready to lead a world fitness revolution. Safe to say I’m not your typical student or a couch potato right?
I have recently found that I make myself busier than I actually am. Ironic following my time management blog I know! I have ‘to-do’ lists full of to-do lists, and which order they need to be done in. If I feel like I have jobs to do I feel like I have a purpose, and if you have a purpose you are worthy right? But just because you don’t have a million and one things to do it doesn’t mean you aren’t needed or aren’t appreciated by others. Your presence and company is needed by someone. Your compassion and love is needed by someone. Your positivity and kindness is needed by someone. I can go on…… And in all honesty, I think the real reason behind most of my blogs and Instagram is to remind myself as much as anyone else about all these positivity’s. Really my entire blog is just a jumbled stream of my
unconsciousness subconscious. (I’m surprised I’m not unconscious given my current fatigue levels though!)
I may also be procrastinating on the real issues I wanted to discuss. (procrastination is another star talent of mine and also another reason I sometimes always find myself so busy- oops).
When I finally take a couple hours out from life and give myself time to breath and think….. everything and every thought that I’ve been pushing to the side (because it’s not the current priority) comes to me. Every single one, all at once. I’m slowly figuring out this is why I have this huge overwhelming feeling every so often. I crash physically and mentally when I finally get a couple of days off from the world. The triggers differ…. Body confidence, friendships/relationships, future plans, training, injuries… but the results are the same… a mini meltdown with zero confidence, wanting to hide from the world and everyone in it. Admittedly, every time I come out stronger on the other side, and hence why I’m learning my triggers and how to deal with them and hence why I’m writing this.
I’m trying to show people that they are not alone. Also, since I’ve been documenting my journey (1year now – Happy blog day me!) I have found a new level of happiness through discovering an ability to let things just go. I’m learning that things don’t phase me anymore. If the worst thing that can happen is anything other than, not being here tomorrow, then it doesn’t matter. By writing things out and explaining them I somehow have these magical epiphanies and self realisations of what my life is actually like from an outside view point. However, sometimes I can’t see any way through the fog. I portray myself as the ice queen of self-confidence and body image. I can be on top of the world , maybe a little too high, way above cloud nine….But I really struggle sometimes. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It is important to always remember, it can always be dealt with. If we take more time, more often for ourselves, even if it’s just 5 minutes a day, then little by little we can take down these brick walls we build around ourselves and let people in to support us.
Just some Monday thoughts for you to think about for the week.
Love J xoxo